For me, the hardest thing about depression hasn’t been low mood, it’s been my complete lack of motivation. I go to work, I come home, and I spend every evening and weekend on the sofa eating carbs. From swimming 3-5 times a week and pilates at least once a fortnight for the past couple of years, this year from January to April I swam twice other than class. I’ve put back on all the weight I lost in the last 2 years, which doesn’t help my dodgy hip, and just urgh. Swimming is very important to me; it’s cardiovascular and strengthening, it supports weight loss, it helps me sleep, it’s mentally relaxing and can be almost meditative for me, it relieves and prevents pain in my hip, it’s something I can do comfortably and confidently, or I can challenge myself to go faster, use better technique, improve my weaker strokes, and it’s something I enjoy. No matter how pissed off I am when I get into the water, no matter how annoying other people in the pool can be, the act of cleaving through the water makes me feel better. So not being able to motivate myself to go has been difficult for me, in lots of ways. I took annual leave the week beginning 13th April, and the following Monday & Tuesday. I had hoped to use the time to get back into an exercise groove and I wanted to swim every day and do one or two classes as well. In the end, I only managed to swim three times. To be honest, I’m disappointed I didn’t manage more than that, but I’m trying to look at it as a good start rather than a fail. Stroke development started again on Friday after the Easter break and I headed up to it, but there was a power cut at the pool and it was cancelled. Owing to annual leave I was only at work Wednesday-Friday last week and I’d aimed to swim at least once on Saturday or Sunday, but I just couldn’t do it. I sat on the sofa with a loaf of sourdough and a jar of peanut butter, feeling that I was letting myself down. I think work is taking it out of me more than I realise, and I think that because I have started to feel better, I’m assuming I’m better than I am and I’m expecting too much of myself. The good news is, a meeting finished early today and I took advantage of that and was in the pool by 1630 and did a kilometre. I also managed what might be my fastest ever 50 metre length, 67 seconds, and my average speed per length was pretty good (for me). Months of eating carbs obviously agrees with me. I might not make it to the pool again this week before Friday, I might not make it there next weekend. But I might. And if I don’t, that’s fine, and if I do, that’s great.
I went back to the GP on Friday for a review. I told him that although my mood is starting to lift, it’s not back to normal yet, and I’m still low on motivation. Then we had a chat about the side-effects and I said that although they’re an inconvenience, they’re not intolerable. I said I think I’ve been really lucky – the Sertraline has started to work quickly and the side-effects aren’t hideous – and he said that it’s helped that I went when I did. He thinks if I’d left it another couple of months the depression would have been more entrenched and would take longer to clear, and he says it was good that I’d thought things through before I went and he didn’t have to spend weeks persuading me to try meds. So, I’m staying on the same dose, going back in 6 weeks, and as I’m on annual leave next week and therefore not exhausted in the evenings after a day of work, I’m going to try to get back into an exercise routine.
This is brilliant
Edinburgh is well served by libraries with 28 branches across the city. However, it’s not always possible for some folks to reach these branches so we have a number of other services operating which allow access to books and reading. These include the mobile library, the home delivery service an library link.
Mobile Library Service
The mobile library service first took to the road in 1949 becoming the first service of its kind in Scotland. The first van cost £1,836 and carried around 2,000 books across 10 sites.
These days the mobile library makes 79 different stops across the city covering areas from Balerno and Ratho to Leith and Restalrig. It also visits sheltered housing and retirement flats where residents can come on to the bus to choose book and books can be delivered straight to the rooms of those living in care homes.
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My mood is lifting but I remain pretty unmotivated. Night sweats have started; last night’s were so bad my tossing and turning ripped a big hole in the bottom sheet.
Shit son, food just got political again. I’ve been in a sort of personal hell lately, hence the sudden blog-silence and absence of any recipes lately, and I hope my wonderful readers will forgive me that. I don’t want to talk about it. I just vanished for a bit, and now I’m back.
Anyway, this morning I turned on the TV to see Sky News zooming in on a jar of Polish pickles with the voiceover declaring that THIS was what people were worried about in the General Election. The camera flashed over to some not-white people behind the counter of a corner shop, before some members of the public espoused their views on the rise of the Polski sklep and how immigration was ruining our great country.
This was not satire. This was a serious news broadcast on a mainstream channel at 11 o clock on a Saturday morning…
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